Something Good #51

the season of yes + microdosing

It feels like everyone I know has been stuck for the past few years.

Stuck in long-term unfulfilling relationships, stuck in a cycle of short-term flings, stuck in never meeting the right people.

Stuck in dead-end jobs, stuck in golden handcuffs, stuck in trying something new that just isn’t working.

Stuck in trying to get pregnant, stuck in meeting new friends, stuck waiting for a change that just doesn’t come.

It feels like we’ve all been trying to hit escape velocity, powered by nothing but the grit of our teeth and our hands clawing the mud. With our eyes on the sky and the stars never getting any closer, no matter how hard we grip or with how much conviction we let go.

I’ve felt what feels like an infinite cycle of

What can I control?

What can I let go of?

What can I control?

What can I let go of?

And no variation of the answers I’ve given has made anything budge.

A few months ago, I noticed that was… changing.

After years in a long-term relationship, a friend got engaged.

After years of trying to conceive, a friend got pregnant.

After a 10-year long relationship, a friend became single.

After years of meaningless one-off dates, a friend met someone real.

After years of working at the company that bought their startup, a friend quit to do something new.

One anomaly of a data point. Two. Three. Five. Ten. A whole constellation.

Everywhere I look, I see paths opening. Ease. Not the grind of working at something til you break it, but a switch flipped from Off to On in the blink of an eye. Where the way was closed, it now is open.

The Dark Tower series by Stephen King

When I worked as an actor, I had one teacher who said - When you see success coming to the people around you, it means you’re in the right place. First you’ll see it happen for the people in your outer circle. Then you’ll see it happen for your close friends. And finally, it will come for you.

It’s been exciting to see that change is possible. That you can get what you want, and what felt stuck for so long could move. Whole, pent up years of movement, all at once, like a wave breaking.

*

I started microdosing a month ago. I’d tried last year with a different brand but it only made me nauseous. This has been different.

The biggest thing is that it’s turned down the volume on all my overthinking and fear. It doesn’t repress those feelings, it just gives them a proportionate space in my head.

On the overthinking side: rather than freezing in the morning, spending 30 minutes deeply analyzing which cafe to go work out of -

Cafe Zuzu is so nice and the coffee is good but the internet is unreliable and kicks you out after two hours. Dark Horse is too close, but maybe I can go to the further one with the big table and the light? Or maybe I can bike to Boxcar Social by the water? But I don’t like their coffee. But their outdoor space is really nice. But it’s dusty. I guess I can work out of the indoor part. But then why bike all the way there just to sit inside? Well I like biking. But it’s an extra 20 mins each way. But it’s exercise! Okay maybe somewhere closer. I don’t like Jimmy’s. Maybe Mercury Espresso? Also dusty. Maybe downtown somewhere? Ugh okay where? Ugh okay fine maybe the Dark Horse that’s close by makes the most sense. OR maybe—

This unhinged monologue gets cut. I just pick a place and I go. I don’t spend time agonizing over all the variables and the ideal conditions, exhausted and tense and stressed before I even start my day. I just accept that whatever I pick will be fine and I’m happy to not think about it a second longer.

On the fear side: thoughts that would be debilitating on bad days just become normal problems I feel perfectly capable of dealing with. Rather than pushing them off for a tomorrow that (conveniently) never comes, I just start working. If something goes wrong, I figure it out.

My mood overall is better too - unshakeably optimistic, more patient, happy, driven, flexible, and social. It makes me feel more like myself.

I microdose twice a week with 1 week off after 2 weeks of taking it. Psilocybin helps create new neural pathways, and even when I’m not actively microdosing, I notice that my baseline for how I feel and think is higher. My overthinking stays under control, fears feel mostly manageable, and mood is generally good.

It’s almost like, having experienced this stable state once, my body finds it easier to get back there by itself. Which is a really cool experience.

Thank yoooou mushrooms!

*

Hope you and yours are all entering your own season of yes. I hope you’re feeling the joy of things moving without you having to push them.

P.S. If you’re in Toronto, I’m going to my first open mic poetry slam on Sunday, July 14 at the Drake Hotel… and hoping to perform. Terrifying. Details here!

✨

Warmly yours,

Nina

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