#58: when you're stupid and boring
I said it, I meant it, I'm here to represent it
Hi!
It’s fast becoming the season of:
wearing wool socks inside
putting extra-heavy blankets on the bed
dusting off the baking trays and bundt cake pans
lighting candles at 6pm
waking up in the dark to catch the sunrise with Gem
putting summer dresses away under the bed
moving thick cozy sweaters to the front of the closet
After the longest, warmest summer I can remember in years, it’s nice to slow down.
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I signed up for Cory Muscara’s course called “Opening the Heart”, starting next week. He’s a former monk who teaches about personal growth and spirituality.
For a long time, I understood “personal growth” to mean you had to become someone else. As in, the goal is to replace the (terrible) person you currently are with the better one that’s stuck deep inside you, waiting to be pried out.
And the quickest way to get there is to berate yourself for every mistake you make, until you completely flatten the current City of You and replace it with something better.
Ah, yes, hard unforgiving work - my favourite.
Over the last few years—and with huge thanks to my work and training as a coach— I’ve started to get a different perspective on personal growth.
Instead of pushing myself to get somewhere or become someone “better”, I’ve slowed down and become a lot more interested in who I am in this moment. What’s going on with her?
Two things I worry about that squeeze the life out of me:
What if people think I’m stupid?
What if people think I’m boring?
I’d been good at keeping up a pretence with both things so far, but my new job was bonkers busy, I had plans every evening, I was dating someone new, wrapping up a coaching engagement, writing my newsletter… all on top of day-to-day life.
I didn’t have the energy required to run the charade of being smart or interesting, so I started to pull away from all social plans.
I called my best friend in literal tears when I couldn’t stand the pressure anymore. “I don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone! I feel so boring and I have nothing to say, and I’m so tired of trying to be interesting. I just can’t do it anymore.”
We talked and I felt better, and as nice as it is to hear that your friends do find you interesting even when you don’t, here’s what made the biggest difference for me:
Accepting that I am boring.
Letting that be something that I’m allowed to be.
(I say that with love, and without a desire to change it. I think that’s the secret.)
In the very short few weeks that I’ve said “fuck it” to being smart and interesting, I’ve noticed my world opening up in ways I forgot were possible. Energy that was tied up in maintaining those versions of myself was freed up, and suddenly took the form of:
booking a session with my friend Alanna to find a new signature makeup look
making TikTok reels about sweaters and the upcoming CAMH gala (and I used music and templates to do it!)
making a freestyle dinner instead of following a recipe - and not being mad when it kinda sucked
asking more questions at work, and making more suggestions
buying clothes that I;m uncertain about but whose possibilities I want to explore
styling my outfits a bit more experimentally than I normally do, and letting myself put effort into getting dressed
Who knew that with the pressure of “interesting” gone, I’d have room again to explore and play and have fun. My mom also noticed that I’ve become more patient and curious (especially in the face of her unprompted Bulgarian language lessons, which would normally make me lose my mind).
All to say - I’m excited about the “Opening the Heart” course. I’m imagining a year-end that’s full of ease and possibility and softness.
On the off chance you’ve also signed up for it, let me know!
Warm wishes from your stupid boring friend.
✨
Warmly yours,
Nina