#53: weed and dating
The first time I smoked weed, it was out of my boyfriend’s cupped hands.
He had pretty bad trouble sleeping and finally decided to try smoking weed to help. I think I watched him do it for 6 months before I got the courage to join him. I don’t know what I was worried about. But I just watched him every one of those days, waiting for something bad to happen. But it never did. He would laugh a lot, or eat a lot, and then he’d sleep.
Anyway, one day I got up the courage to join him. And the weed was too harsh and I didn’t know how to inhale properly and I hated the coughing. So he took the joint from his lips and slipped it between his pinky and ring finger, with the filter on the inside and the lit end sticking out. And he cupped his hands around it. And that’s how I’d smoke.
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I think of that sometimes when I go out on these first and second dates.
Like when a guy bailed on a (3rd!) date with me because on the way over, he ran into some friends and decided to go out with them instead. And was “a little put off by my reaction” when I told him I was disappointed.
That happens enough times and you start to wonder if maybe you are being unreasonable about the way you want to be treated.
And then I think of my boyfriend’s cupped hands.
I know there’s more possible than this.
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I started working with an EMDR therapist! Thank you to everyone who responded to share your experience. The resounding things I heard:
It’s the hardest therapy you’ve done
It’s been life-changing
I asked people what made it hard and they said “it’s a lot of emotional processing, it can be intense and pop up when you least expect it.” Which I theoretically understand. But also reminds me of when I was getting Gemma and people told me it would be hard because “you never sleep and puppies need constant pee breaks and bite you” and I theoretically got it. But was also like, “that’s fine, how hard could that be?”
And then I got Gemma and I GOT IT in a real way.
So I’m guessing that’s what’ll happen with EMDR too haha.
Hope you’re having a good week (and a good long weekend!).
✨
Warmly yours,
Nina